Back to Work

It was really, really, really hard to go back. Both kids were very hysterical even a long time after I had left. Micah was worse though. But than I was driving down the road and when things hurt so bad than I find the good in things that seem to look bad at the moment. I have always fought myself through life like that. I was telling myself to be thankful that my kids didn't have to go to daycare and still had the ability to stay home with the other parent. And don't get me wrong, if I was a single parent than I guess I wouldn't have a choice but the daycare. I am thankful I have a job where I was able to take off 4 weeks paid, and had I not used up so many other days for the other adoption and other stuff, I could have had 3 months paid. I am blessed. Blessed beyond measure.

I am asking God for forgiveness every single day during my quiet time. Asking him to forgive me for having such a prideful heart to go to work. Everyone that knows me knows this is truly my bitterness. Its not even the people I work with, the hours I work, .... if I had to work the rest of my life, I would certainly stay right there. Its a good place. I just want to be with my children. I have never felt stronger in my heart than I do now that my place is home. The woman that I once was trying to prove myself in the workforce to show people how I can do it all and go with the feminist generation has long left my soul. It left my soul when I started to go on my very first mission trip back in 2006. I have the utmost confidence that it will happen one day, I just don't know when.

We have cut back so much. Kevin and I used to live super worldly, trying to compete with the Jones' every single day, from cars, to clothing, to lavish things, you name it. Now we are living on one income and feeding a family of eight and taking one through college. I am saying this too because I know that if Kevin hadn't been laid off a long time when he was, we had never learned how to live humble like we do now. I am also happy to say that Kevin and I finally see eye to eye when it comes to me being home. He totally respects my choice and wants to support this badly. Before he always felt that 2 incomes are a must:) I know he too has learned from me that money isn't everything. So one day, all we have to do is switch roles, because we have learned how to do everything else.

It will happen. Really, I just need to stick it out and hopefully God will have mercy on me and bring me home soon.