Dark Times

I have been encouraged a lot lately by my fellow bloggers Amy, Lisa Q., and Signe to talk about my feelings. Often times we don't express ourselves on our blogs when we are down and the world is caving in. We don't want to admit when times are hard because often we are criticized.

I am hoping to be in my last week of turmoil. I don't know if you have noticed lately on the top of my blog I have rather cold or rainy pictures and they keep changing. Those pics are expressing my emotions if I might say so. Although it looks like that she is going to depart our house this weekend but I will truly believe it when I see it. I only wished that I could express myself elegantly like my friend Amy did when she explained her story but really I don't know how to.

I just can tell you from the bottom of my heart that the past 7 months have been a pure nightmare in our family. This started to happen even before the little ones came to our house and they have nothing to do with it even though many people including my husband might want to think that.

The story is the 10 year old girl we have taken in. I just don't want to express her identity anymore especially since she might go somewhere where all of us know each other. Who knows.

This young lady is a very messed up little girl. I thought we could help her with all of our experience we had with Anastasia but come to find out this was much bigger than we thought. Actually than I thought. I truly was the one having most of my problems with her because I was the only one in the house looking right into her soul knowing how manipulated everyone was. And she knows it too.

What makes this situation really sad is that we are divided in our house at the moment. Not in a mad way but a sad way. Basically it was me or her. My dear husband Kevin is like once he takes something on that is it for him. He basically said to me unless she burns down the house or is trying to kill someone he is gonna stick with it. Not so with me. Although I am the adult in this but when I am constantly lied to, stole from and most of all have triangulated in my marriage I just can't do much anymore. And even more so have the little ones hated and talked about non stop.

Yes I know she is very troubled but I am truly at the end of my road. I am so finished with this I cannot express it enough. I will rejoice when this is finished so the healing can begin for my whole family. Tonight she is at an overnight school thing and I have never felt such peace. Even the little ones were just so peaceful.

Child Dedication

Today was very, very special. Our little ones were dedicated to the Lord. In our church we don't baptize or christening little ones because they are innocent in God's eyes at that age so no need. We the parents and the church just commit to raise them up in the image of Christ and bring them up in a godly home. These children are not mine they belong to God. I loved our pastor's short sermon before dedication because he talked about Hannah being barren and when God finally gave her a son she dedicated him to the Lord. Can you imagine being Hannah? What a woman. But after that, God gave her many more children. I knew that from the very beginning when we adopted them that they will become his soldiers and came here for a purpose not to get rotten. We are praying every night that God would mold them in HIS image and as they become older to do his will and work. What a special day.

Little Ones are Inseparable

Tonight Kevin went to a baseball game with the other kids and Amira wanted to stay home with me. So she is no hysterical and refuses to go to bed. She keps saying "Biruk not in room". Awhh, she is afraid to sleep without him. Its so funny because they are always fighthing, they are not even allowed to sit on the bus together but she can't go to bed without him.

Even the other morning I had to be at the hospital at like 6 something and snuck out of the house with Amira but when Biruk woke up he was hysterical because his sister wasn't there.

It has made such a huge difference I think that we brought them home together re: attitude and bonding and all of that because they are still doing so well.

On a side note, my favorite cat Stu is at the hospital on an IV, they think he has liver failure. He was all yellow and dehydrated. He is 12 years old but they don't think he will make it. Poor kitty, I love him so much.

What a Loser Doctor

So my Amira has been home for over 3 months and I have been seeing this Dr. re: her humongous mosloscum right under her eye. If you look at her pictures you can see how much bigger it has gotten over the months. So first she prescribes a $700.00 medication. Nothing. I finally told Kevin to take her in and have it all cut open. The Dr. was all against it because she thinks Amira would have huge scar. She prescribes this medication, Retinal?, to put on her mol. every night so I put it on for about 3 days and I swear it swell up so badly it looked like someone punched her so I stopped the medication. This morning I washed Amira face and she kept saying aua, aua, like I was hurting her and suddenly I discovered a huge open wound right under her moloscum. Talking about what kind of a scar she is gonna have now? So we took her back to the Dr. and she still wouldn't cut it open but just kept poking at it and it still looks the same. I am just so heartbroken over Amira open wound. I swear it looks like someone took a razor blade and cut her skin open. I was trying to take pics but the camera wouldn't take and close ups.

Anyways, I just don't know what to do about this anymore. I really think this Dr. doesn't even know what it is. Obviously this Mol. can't go away naturally like regular ones because its right under her eye. :(

Happy Easter

Sorry Anastasia is not in the picture. She was not in the mood. But my Danica was home from college and she was able to get some good snapshots.

Oral Surgery today

We had to be at the hospital at 6:30am with a surgery date at 8:00am. I was happy, Amira was the first patient for the dentist. We arrived home at 1:00pm. She is in a lot of pain this evening. But Amira was such a trooper all day. She is just so strong and I am so proud of her. I got her some over the counter kids motrin and it seems to make her more comfortable. We have been waiting for this date a long time and it finally come. The dentist that I chose decided to pull her 4 front teeth and not put anything up there which was fine with me. It saved me a lots of money and a bunch of moms that have little ones actually told me just to pull them. She also pulled 3 more in the back which was a total of 7. We also have I think about 7 silver crowns, at least. The surgery went really well and I am so glad its finally done. This Friday we have the huge mosluscum under her eye looked at again and hopefully the Dr. will cut and drain it. This is the same Dr. that prescribed her the 700.00 medication and it didn't do anything. All the other dermatologist don't have appointments till May so I guess I am desperate to go back to this lady. We will see.

Amira waiting to go to surgery

After the surgery

Swimming

We had a wonderful time at the pool last weekend. This was a first for the kids. They were so happy. Of course Mr. Biruk didn't want to listen and not wearing his life vest so after much arguing with dad, he finally threw him in the pool and guess what, he learned his lesson quickly to put his life vest on.

The whole family went (we are still having to take two cars on those outings 7)but Danica and I stayed out. I felt pretty bad but I really didn't have a swimsuit. Anyways, they loved it and are ready to go back. And I tell you what, I just love my hubby so dearly. He has been amazing on taking on the role to start all over again and often I think he is doing a much better job than I do. I just have to blog about him another day when my mind is more clear. I am just so thankful for him. He truly is my soulmate.

We are hanging in there

Sorry I have become somewhat of a slagger blogger. After going private for a few days to share my family stuff I decided this would not be so good. Why would anyone have to suffer from not hearing and seeing of Amira and Biruk. So I figured the stuff I need to discuss that is so personal I will express in emails with my closest friends.

Anyways, last Sunday was a beautiful day. I took the kids right after church to the zoo and park and we had a blast. We were out there all afternoon. They are still doing amazingly well and I am sure its because they have each other. They make each other laugh all the time and even more so they talk each other to death. I love when they talk Amharic to each other. I have noticed that Amira wants to do it much more than Biruk. He uses more English but I always enourage them to keep speaking it.

Every single day I come home I am still in awe (I know I sound like a broken record) that these kids that I have drooled over their pictures for months are finally mine. It is just a miracle how God placed the "just right" children into my family. I have a good picture now why all these other adoptions never worked out from Guatemala, to Zambia, to Liberia. All these precious kids are in my heart forever but obviously they were not meant for me and God hand picked Amira and Biruk and what a perfect fit they are.

My little Amira has her oral surgery next week. They will work on every single one of her teeth and she will pull out the 4 upper front teeth. Poor baby is gonna be toothless hopefully not too long. Her moluscum has not gotten any better and I am starting to get a little fed up with these doctors that they can't get me in till May. So I raised up with one office today and hopefully they can cut it next Friday but I am not sure yet. It is just huge. And all the kids always point it out to her and say "ouie".. I can tell its starting to bother her cuz she always talks about it. My Biruk is perfectly healthy. He is such a big helper and has a very gently and sweet spirit. He also started to play soccer and had his first game last Saturday. I think he like basketball a lot, he is so good at dribbling the ball. They are both enrolled for Kindergarten this fall so hopefully they both make it.

Biruk Soccer Team

First Soccer Game

He is just scoring a goal

Man to Man talk before the Game